This is it !

Michelle Walker

Basic Writing

I Hated Writing

 

    I have always hated writing. Focusing my hatred on something so important to my success in college has hurt my performance a lot. The problem is I do not just hate writing I am afraid of writing. I am afraid of failing no matter how hard I try. so why should I? My GPA has suffered because I get so nervous that I cannot think straight, and then I panic and give up. One professor pointed out to me that college was about writing papers. They said, "If you could not handle it maybe, you should try something else, like driving garbage trucks." It is depressing that I have always hated writing .I cannot go on hating writing; it will only hold me back. I do not want drive garbage trucks. I want to teach kids to like books. If I am ever going to write my own book, I am going to need to learn how to write. Putting my own Ideas on paper has always been a struggle for me, it was too frustrating to have a huge idea in my head but not know how to write it down.

 

    In fourth grade, I remember the state test that ended up taking forever to write. The test requirements were to write a story on a single piece of paper. I really wanted to tell the complicated story inside my head. I was so frustrated because I could not write it down. Writing was difficult because of my dysgraphia and dyslexia. Even though the teacher explained how to write the assignment, I was so frustrated that I could not write, I did not pay attention to the instructions. I did not finish the assignment within the allotted time. Therefore, everyone in the class was able to go do the fun class projects and I worked on the paper everyday for a week. I had to sit at my desk all alone in the dark hallway with a teacher standing over me making sure I was 'on task'.

The paper I wrote was "Tink the Fairy". It did not have the plot I planned. Halfway through the story I ran out of room because my handwriting was so bad. I wrote "The End" without any real conclusion to the story. It took me hours to complete that meager one page story. Being frustrated and angry that I could not make it the story I wanted to be, I was resentful that I lost break time and class time. I could not complete my work because my own incompetence made me angry. I wasted all that time only to get a poor score. It was disappointing. All of my writing followed in this pattern for several years. Teachers continued to teach me English that I only found incomprehensible and frustrating. I did gain an elementary grasp of the principals eventually and my writing improved but I was still unable to express what I wanted to write.

My ability to write was blocked by my
dysgraphia. Dysgraphia is a learning disorder that does not have anything to do with the person's IQ or their ability to read. The physical act of writing is difficult for anyone with dysgraphia. Handwriting is illegible, copying is laborious and frustrating, spelling, and spacing, capitalization, and script are confused and jumbled. No one actually understands the cause of dysgraphia because there has not been much research or studies conducted on it. It is very common to have both dysgraphia and dyslexia but they often exist without the other. I have both plus attention deficit hyperactive disorders. Dyslexia is misunderstood as a disability that makes people see things backwards. It is actually more complicated than that, but backwards works for a basic explanation. The simplified version most people can understand is dyslexia is about input and dysgraphia is about output. This is not correct exactly but it does make sense to people. There is not a cure to dyslexia or dysgraphia. The only solution is to practice a lot. There are alterative teaching methods that work better for dyslexics and dysgraphics. It is important to start as early as possible because. The older a child gets the harder it is to change.

The stories in my head did not turn out the way I wanted them too. I had a difficult time grasping a thesis or grammar. My spelling was atrocious and the physical act of writing was still difficult. I made more attempts and made my stories and ideas shorter but the whole idea was completely frustrating.

Sister Gee's English class at freshman academy brought me back to basics that I could understand. She had us do in class essays with prompts that focused the themes from the reading. My tutor Leana helped me to learn what a thesis was and how to write a paper with a structured thesis. This basic writing class taught me more about grammar than I possibly ever noticed before. This class has also helped me developed a little more complex ideas in my papers. One thing that has helped more than I could have believed is my blog. I love writing on my blog and since there is no pressure, I can write about whatever I want. I do not think it is challenging my writing or improving my style. It is however changing my attitude about writing. I worry every time I write for school that I will struggle in vain and never complete the assignment. Then I will get a poor score anyway. Right now, I am so tense I feel like screaming or hiding or completely eating a chocolate cake and then choking on it. Good grief if cannot even calm down enough to write how can I ever improve or progress. How can I think when I can barley breathe. Why is it that when the pressure is on I turn off? I really need to think of something to do that is productive writing. How can I write when I cannot can I think strait. I am afraid of writing I am anxious I am angry I hate myself for being a failure. I cannot go on living with hatred and suffering I need to learn to write instead of avoiding progress. I am going to face writing head on. So that someday what I hated has become what I love.